ti'anna

just wanted to straighten something out real quick...

in response to some concerns voiced in the comments recently, ti'anna is far from ignored. she is extremely intelligent, and a lot is expected of her, but the only worry i have for her is that she will end up quite spoiled. i, to my shame, let her get away with so much out of guilt because her brother can do the same thing (and we say its unwittingly) and not be punished for a thing she would get reamed for because she absolutely no question knows better. with ethan we just aren't sure...

i quite honestly prefer spending time with her. she is a great conversationalist, very imaginative, and actually interacts with me. i have to do my best every day not to just ignore ethan because he is so extremely high-maintanence and because my selfishness often balks at giving SO much and receiving SO little in return. the most i will get from him is a flash of adorable smile, maybe a kiss (finally, after nearly three years of waiting for a kiss, i can in fact get one from him- but he still won't call me mom, or even call me anything at all.).

most days i feel like i'm in love with a movie star, whom i worship from a distance, memorize every breathtakingly beautiful line of their face and every line of the scripts that they enact, but know absolutely nothing about WHO they really are.

i am so enthralled when he actually makes a bit of progress, i feel like i'm discovering/uncovering a real person under all the destructive, frustrated, deafening behavior, that i have to write it down just to remind myself that progress IS in fact happening, so i can go back when i'm losing all patience with him, as well as my sanity, and see in black and white that i ABSOLUTELY LOVE HIM. even when i feel like i can't stand another minute, like i just want to run away and cover my head up and scream... which more often than i like to admit, is exactly how i feel.

the worst i ever get with ti'anna is short-tempered, when she regresses in order to get more attention. when she whines and acts like she can't put her clothes on (because i still have to dress ethan) or like she can't use her spoon (he still can't feed himself with silverware at all, at three) or that she can't wipe herself (because i'm still changing diapers all day, with no real end in sight). sometimes when i have to close off mentally for a while and let my mind run so i can get out of the moment, and the pressure of having no money, no time, and no more patience, she will ask me the same questions that have no answers over and over until i snap out of it, and snap at her. but i always pick her up and hold her at those moments, because i know she's just imitating me. i will ask her nonsense questions when she is sad to make her laugh and pull her out of her mood, out of herself.

ti'anna, i can relate with. she reminds me so much of myself most days... it makes me cry just to type this. it's ethan i need to learn to be vulnerable with, that i need to learn to love in the way he needs it from me. i know what ti'anna needs, even though i often fail to give it to her. i often fail to do what's right, in many ways, as is the human condition. but with ethan, i don't even know how to get close, so i facsinate myself with him, and love him in the only way he will let me- by trying to help him overcome the huge gulf between himself and the rest of the world. meanwhile, just not lashing out at him is a huge victory...

for instance: ti'anna has never really responded much to cuddling and affection. ethan will ONLY respond to that. sometimes in a moment of sibling jealously, she thinks that being physically affectionate will make her happy, so i endulge her, welcoming her into my arms and lavishing on her all the hugs and kisses i always have inside me for her that she rarely holds still for, but after only a moment she grows restless and wants to get back to her endless pretending.

just like me.

i have heard it said that its painful to realize that your child is like you, as a parent. and in a way, i guess it is. but for me, it is far harder to realize that my son is not like me, to be faced with the possibility of never really understanding him, knowing him, inside. so i do my darndest to fall in love with him all over again every day.

as pointed out to us so adeptly by Jesus when he told us to love our neighbor as ourselves, it is a given that we will love ourselves. of course we do. we know ourselves, and even when we are angry or broken, we always strive to meet our own needs in some way. we let ourselves off the hook for things we would judge others for mercilessly, because we "understand" our own motives, justify ourselves. its our neighbors, who we don't really understand, who are different from us, that are really difficult to love. but I can do all things through Him who strengthens me. and ethan has been a greater bundle of Love, real love, from God, than I could have imagined possible. never have lessons of patience, humility, peseverance, selflessness, self-control, kindness, gentleness, joy in the little things, been packaged in such a precious box and delivered so effortlessly to me. its very easy to love that kid, despite his shenanigans. and the medicine that comes from his spoon is much easier to swallow! and just what i needed, in so many ways...

so for those that voiced concern, thank you, and i appreciate it. but i felt i needed to offer some more information and clarify things a bit. if ti'anna grows up feeling left out, it will be because she has a superiority complex.

just like her mom.

*smile*